laws of attraction

hooping has definitely brought a number of positive changes into my life.  by far, one of the most important emotional changes has been gaining enough confidence to finally take off the ugly duckling suit i’ve been wearing since i was a child.  by this, i don’t mean i just lost a lot of weight hooping; what i am talking about is a fundamental change in my perception of my own desirability.  after decades of agony over this issue, i’ve finally reached a place wherein i can say to myself, yes, you are attractive.  i think it is easy to get so used to one’s costume that you forget it is just a costume.

it has been a process.  when i stepped out of my early private hooping shell and began participating in hoop gatherings, one of the hardest things for me to do was to simply take off my shirt- to expose my torso to the world.  it was so hard for me to do that i made a decision early on to always take off my shirt when hooping, so i could finally get past my hangups.  yes, this is my belly in movement!  with time, a ton of generous and positive feedback from others, and my shedding a supermodel in weight, it has gotten easier.  but even though i am arguably in some of the best shape of my life, it still isn’t easy.

i’m not a professional model, nor do i aspire to be one.  i think “sexy” commercial modeling perpetuates dangerous stereotypes that are ultimately hurtful to most people’s sense of self worth.  i also think increasingly men are being subjected to a similar kind of destructive body “ideal” that women have endured to a more marked degree for a long time.  i’ve certainly felt the pressure over the years even though i intellectually recognize it as b.s.

as an active hoop performer, i get photographed quite a bit, often in minimal form-fitting (sometimes outrageous) clothing.  truth be told, i’m used to generally being discouraged by the resulting photos.  invariably i end up with some weird expression on my face, or blurry edges that look like alien flesh tumors, or most often, a kwashiorkor belly.  i usually have to grit my teeth through twenty bad shots before finding one in which i think i look decent.  sure, once in awhile i get one that is absolutely fantastic, but that is by far the exception.  i’ve grudgingly accepted this, like “off” performances, as part of the process.  i just keep hooping, hoping that the good shots i want for documenting and sharing my art will come over time.  when i perform, i am much more concerned with tapping into my flow and connecting with the audience, than with whether i can grate cheese on my abs at any given moment.  it’s only afterwards that i experience the mild panic when i see that i’ve been tagged in a photo on facebook.

however, despite this relative truce with the process, i was reminded a couple of months ago just how tender an area grappling with my sense of attractiveness still is for me.  after a couple of strong performances, which resulted in both good and bad pictures (and at least one amazing shot), i had the opportunity to participate in a dedicated photo shoot with several talented spinners.  i was excited at the prospects of getting several really high quality photos in a single evening.

i don’t know how you feel about posing in front of a wall of photographers, but the reality of it was rather surreal- markedly different from my experience the night before performing in front of a similar wall of photographers that fronted the crowd.  i was advised that to get good shots it would take a lot of repetition of movement;  the name of this game was posing. i couldn’t just rock it in my comfort zone as i had anticipated.  watching the other artists begin to work it, i felt like i was about to take off my shirt for the first time.

in retrospect, posing for the shots in that environment in the way that i was seeing other artists do it was simply not authentic for me.  i tried my best, but it wasn’t anything close to comfortable or fun.  i kept thinking of some b movie i’d seen a long time ago in which the photographer kept saying things like, “show me the tiger! yes! you are a sexy tiger! growl for me tiger! hot, hot, hot!”  nope.  not me.

given the fact that i’d tried nonetheless to be expressive, to dampen the natural speedster in me sufficiently, and to find something close to a distant relative of my comfort zone in the situation, i have to say i was disappointed with the results.  despite pushing myself to stay active in the rotation, and braving the large phalanx of photographers, i ended up with only a few possibly usable pictures for several hours worth of work in the cold- none of which were particularly inspiring to me.  part of the problem undoubtedly had to do with the fact that there were usually at least two artists doing separate things at the same time- the photographers had to choose who to go with.  while i don’t think it was the intention of either the photographers or the artists,  it seemed like the spinners who were much closer to the ripped, slim, sexy “ideal”, and who were able to ‘show their tiger’, ended up with the preponderance of photographs, including some fantastic results.  don’t get me wrong, i was happy for them- everyone worked hard for it.  but, comparing the discrepancy in volume between the plethora of their photographs and mine, i found myself drowning in that old familiar space of, “of course there aren’t that many pictures of me- i’m just not attractive like they are.”

i recognize that with guidance and practice i could probably learn how to pose effectively and feel a little more comfortable with it.  i’d also probably end up with more shots.  but, just as there are moves, affectations, and methodologies that other spinners employ that i don’t, i doubt this kind of thing is really capturing what i’m about as a hooper.  the fact is that the best photos i’ve gotten recently have been action shots of me rocking the hoop on stage.  they weren’t all perfect, but they were true to me.  that was where my sexy came out.  and, i felt good about myself in the process, which is probably more important.

yes, it was a single night.  i probably shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater (where did this saying come from? was this an issue at some point?)  we’ll see how the future photo ops unfold- whether i can embrace and express something cool that doesn’t make me feel ridiculous and self-conscious, hopefully with good results; or, whether i just stick to doing my best to kick ass on stage and let the pictures come as they will.  i’d put my money on the latter.  maybe i’ll go to the next photo shoot and spin like the madman that i am and see what happens.

why share this?  because i know i’m not the only walking-wounded spinner when it comes to body image.  i’ve had a number of conversations with peeps who really struggle with it, both men and women.  i certainly have.  the more you hoop in public, the more likely you will have to deal with what you perceive about yourself from photographs.

reflecting on this experience has just underlined my conviction that the sexiest thing on the planet is you spinning with authenticity, whatever that means for you.  embrace it, treat yourself with compassion, and enjoy.  try not to get too lost in indoctrinated notions of attractiveness.  in other words, take pictures with a grain of salt.  they may indeed capture a moment, and that moment may be amazing.  but, to my mind the most beautiful flow is in the movement, and the most beautiful you is in the flow.

tiger.